when an account of typhoid fever before death is the most accurate description i can find written about the mental state i suffer from in cycles?  Great, that’s just what i need, to become a hysteric over imaginary drastic physical ailments.  Luckily, I think I’m way too lazy for that.

Once in the garden she found herself pulling off her clothes.  She felt a vague surprise that her actions should go on so far ahead of her consciousness of them.  Every movement she made seemed the perfect expression of lightness and grace.  ‘Look out,’ said a part of her.  ‘Go carefully.’  But it was the same part of her that sent out the warning when she was drinking too much.  At this point it was meaningless.  ‘Habit,’ she thought.  ‘Whenever I’m about to be happy I hang on instead of letting go.’  She kicked off her sandals and stood naked in the shadows. (Bowles, 246)

(Sounds slutty, but she is just going for a swim alone in the dark.)

This is my favorite story I’ve stumbled upon in an online lit mag in a long, long time.

avoid becoming entangled emotionally

https://sites.google.com/site/rhpchaphoshomccreesh/ask-the-spider

And this one can feel.

She can see.

and it reads:

Whoever wants to see will see badly: It was my will that
deceived me. It was my will that provoked the huge uproar among
the daimons. Should I therefore not want’anything? I have, and I
have fulfilled my will as well as I could, and thus I fed everything
in me that strived. In the end I found that I wanted myself in
everything, but without looking for ,myself Therefore I no longer
wanted to seek myself outside of myself but within. Then I
wanted to grasp myself and then I wanted to go on again, without
knowing what I wanted, and thus I fell into the mystery: