were you just wondering what it was i wanted?

the strangest part is that i feel that i know this feeling, that i’ve always known this feeling, this feeling like you hear a gunshot and know that it’s happened, but you look down and continue to do what you’re doing and ignore it.

“I am stunned, but I want to be stunned, since I have sworn to you, my soul, to trust you even if you lead me to madness…Help me so that I do not choke on my own knowledge.” Carl Jung, The Red Book

“Automatic writing brought to light subpersonalities, and enabled dialogues with them to be held.” from the introduction to Carl Jung’s now published (against his wishes) The Red Book.

My art has always been a psychological investigation. I have only been attempting to reintegrate my own personality.

this is a pic i took of a store window on venice beach,

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but it reminds me of the store window pictured on a postcard i got in paris years ago…

wilson says, in speaking about the abrupt contradiction of a person’s reality-model (cognitive dissonance), those subjected to it tend to become either very flexible (agnostic) or very rigid (schizophrenic).

also, considering this passage from p.154: The shaman, of course, lives through this process on more levels than the ordinary paranoid, because the shaman is determined to confront every terror and conquer it. Many, however, are shamans without knowing it, and invoke their private demons in total ignorance, thinking it is all coming from outside themselves.

i am pretty sure that most of the people i know who go there…i.e. go further, are aware that they could make it all stop, if they just stopped wanting anything greater, and instead got a good job, a good five year plan, and watched a whole lot of television. even when i feel the most attacked, if i look at the situation closely, i know that i could have stopped it if i just was willing to back down. but i don’t want to back down into your little shriveled up hole of a world. not when i’ve always known there is something greater.